Dragons of Pain
by samurai-swords-maid
Summary: When your whole life, nothing happens but bad things, what else can you call life anything but a curse...? No, I'm not dead. I'm just a lazy bum. :p. HIEI'S POV ratedforlanguage


Dragons of Pain  
  
disclaimer: If I owned Yu Yu Hakusho, it probably wouldn't be as good as it is now. I'm not that smart, no matter what you people think. I'M STUPID! JUST ACCEPT IT, AND STOP TELLING ME I'M SMART/A GENIUS/CLEVER/WITTY!!! CAUSE I'M NOT!!  
  
SUMMARY: From Hiei's point of view. His views on life, love, people he knows, and his arm. And also his sister.  
  
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"Life. What's life?" Kurama once asked me quietly. I glanced at him. This was no time be philosphical. I didn't answer, instead running. I'm not a coward. I just have no reason to stay.   
  
But his life did bring questions from the depths of my mind. What is life? "It's a curse.... It's just a damned curse." I murmur quietly to the night sky.  
  
And that was all it was. To me. A curse.  
  
So why was I still alive? Why didn't I just end it? I had a sword. Why shouldn't I just draw it, and let it all end? It isn't like anyone would miss me. But no. I am no coward, so I will not take the coward's way out. I am strong; life is just another challenge. And I would get through it.  
  
My life is a living hell. I truly have no reason to live any longer. So I ask myself, why am I still alive? And I am brought back to the same answer, over and over and over again: I am not a coward. But isn't a coward also afraid of death? What am I supposed to do? How am I to live.... or to die?  
  
The wind howls through the night. Darkness falls, and I blend in completely. I am darkness.  
  
They say to truly live, you must feel love. And then I would ask "What is this love you speak of?"   
  
No one could love me. I am just a shadow. I feel nothing.  
  
Especially not this foolish mortal feeling called "love."  
  
My philosophy is that "love" will just hurt you. Isn't that why so many people die each day? They are cowards. The person they love does not love them back, and they kill themselves. Love just gets in the way. If I "loved" someone, I would have to protect them. I see no reason to do something like that. It's stupid, this thing called love. I hope never to feel it. Love makes you weak. I refuse to love if it should make me weak.  
  
That's how Kurama came to be so weak. And the spirit detective too. Kurama weakened because of his love for his "mother." Feh. What good is a human mother if she is going to die eventually, while he will live on? He should have left her first chance he had. She made him weak, made him vulnerable. It seems all so foolish to me. He could've lost that fight in the Dark Tournament because of his mother. When I told him this, his eyes flared angrily, and he told me off. Not that I heard a word of it. I have no reason to listen to anyone, especially some fox demon who became weak for a human. But I did hear his last words, before he turned and walked away from me. "I wouldn't expect someone like you to understand, Hiei."  
  
What was that supposed to mean? I was about to ask vehemently. But he had gone.  
  
The spirit detective went through the same process. That human girl, what was her name? Keiko was it? It got him angry so easily when I controlled her mind, and threatened to make her my slave. He could have just ignored me, and went on with life, leaving me to think of another plan to get him.  
  
But instead, he came after me, eyes burning with rage.  
  
I suppose "love" can make one strong too. In his case, it lead from love, to desperation. But he could have been so much stronger, if he had focused on me.  
  
And it's times like this I wonder. The moon is bright. It shines down through the branches of the tree I'm in, onto my arm. If someone had loved me, would my arm be in so much pain? Sure, I grit my teeth, and bear it. But it hurts. If someone loved me, would they love me enough to care for my arm? The dragon mark on it burns. A daily reminder of my life. A living hell. Most are terrified of it. And they have a right to be. I am, after all, the first person to ever control the Dragon of the Darkness Flame. But they have no idea how much it burns. It scalds me. I wish it could be healed, but I'm not about to beg someone to heal me. I'm not weak.  
  
But my sister is, no matter how much I hate to say it. She isn't the strongest of apparitions, and that is why I must protect her. She is wanted throughtout the Makai, and to my utter disgust, the Ningenkai.   
  
I want her so badly just to remember who I am. But yet I cannot tell her. I can't allow anyone to tell her. She will hate me. Hate how I never told her in the past, how I was so kind, how I was never there to catch her tears. She would be ashamed of what I had become, Yukina would be.  
  
Strange, isn't it. I'm not afraid of anything, yet I'm almost terrified of my own sister, if she were to hate me.  
  
Oh how they would laugh if they knew.  
  
Damn.   
  
I wonder sometimes why I have to live this way, in secret. Why can't I learn to trust anyone enough to tell them all this? Am I truly so distrustful that I can't even trust these people who call me their friend?  
  
My eyes are watering. No, they're not tears...it's.... it's just that there's too much water in my eyes. I can't cry. I'm too strong.   
  
"It takes a strong person to cry." A voice calls from my memories. I refuse to cry. I have no reason to. These things that I live with each day are things I should be used to by now. So I have no reason to cry now. My arm is burning again. It feels as if a dragon is biting it. I clutch it tightly.   
  
Why?  
  
Why can't I live?  
  
Why can't I love?  
  
Why can't I learn to trust?  
  
Why can't I admit the truth?  
  
Each is a different dragon, waiting to tear me apart, and each time they bite, I feel myself die a little more. Dragon of doubt, dragon of dislike, dragon of lies, dragon of shame....  
  
But they are all of the same breed.  
  
They are all Dragons of Pain  
  
Black jewels litter the floor beneath the branch I'm on. I'm crying, with no one but the full moon and the night wind to comfort me...  
  
-----OWARI-------  
  
Hiei: thank's a lot. You just gave away my life story.  
  
SSM: oh well (pats) you needed some comforting, anyways. (hugs) It's ok, we're here for you!  
  
Hiei: get off me if you wish to live.  
  
SSM: n.n;; ANYoro, please review. It was bad, huh?  
  
REVIEW!!!!!!!!! 


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